


what can one say – except that i love you

by melsandre



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alex Blake is perceptive as fuck, Emily actually talks about her feelings for once in her life, F/F, Useless Gays, Will is here but he's not relevant, i love Jemily so much i could cry, jj actually deals with her trauma, this shouldve happened but the writers are cowards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25137004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melsandre/pseuds/melsandre
Summary: a reimagining of 200 in which jj and emily get their shit together and confess their love for each other. trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault and torture (jj reflecting on what happened to her).
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	1. you're the sun, you've never seen the night

There was some unbidden feeling that rocked anxiously against Emily’s chest – fear that if she looked away JJ might disintegrate. The expression she wore in sleep was enviably peaceful, the hard lines of her face turned soft, hair fanning out across the limp hospital pillow. Even with bruises blooming violet across her cheekbone she looked content and safe if a little bit fragile. 

When Hotch had called, Emily had been so single-mindedly focused on physically reaching JJ that any panic she might have felt had been buried. And when they found JJ her adrenaline had rushed so powerfully in her ears that she had neglected to actually digest the material reality of the younger profiler’s torture. Then, they had chased Hastings to the roof and JJ had nearly toppled over the edge after him; the sharp crack of his body hitting the cement below a sickening reminder of just how close JJ had come to a similar, agonizing death. That had been all Emily could think about, not the grisly electrical burns that stretched across her abdomen, the hundreds of bruises scattered across her body or the raw skin at her wrists where she had been restrained, but the sound of Hastings’ head splitting open against the pavement, limbs broken, twisted, and dead. _It could have been JJ_. 

Emily swallowed a shallow sob at the thought and attempted to focus on the woman in front of her, hand gently curled in one of her own. JJ was fine, JJ would be okay. JJ was sleeping soundly in a hospital bed, cared for, warm, alive. Her vision swam with an exhaustion she tried to fight because sleeping meant completely letting her guard down, meant losing sight of JJ. 

She tested an _I love you_ in her mouth, experimentally letting the words roll across her tongue and fall from her lips. Something seized between her ribs. The words had passed between them before. Most of their facetimes ended with casual love yous tossed at their screens and when Emily had first left for London, JJ had squeezed her hand tightly before murmuring _I love you, Em_. After JJ had handed Emily the packet of her new identities in Paris, she had grasped her wrist and loosened a hushed _I love you_ into the air. It had almost been enough to make Emily turn around. They both played the word love a hundred times in scrabble and when Emily finally brought herself back to life, JJ had pulled her into a hug and whispered the words into the space behind Emily’s ear. 

The way JJ loved her was different, however, from the dizzy, world-ending sort of love Emily had so helplessly fallen into. The sort of love that made her want to sprint in the opposite direction, the sort that hung thickly in the air every time she was close to JJ. It was suffocating, how much she loved her. Emily could point to the moment that she had realized she was in love with JJ in such a frantic, unadulterated way. It was when JJ had looked her so fondly on the plane back from Denver, so earnestly and softly insisted that Emily would be a great mother. The moment Emily had decided that her affections would never be returned was in Miami when the blonde had practically sprinted into Will's arms, kissing him so thoroughly that Emily was sure JJ could never love her. 

Emily pulled her chair in closer and dropped her head onto the bed beside her best friend’s hip, throwing her other arm possessively across her legs. 

*

When JJ woke, it was to a warmth pressed against her side and a familiar, mechanical buzzing. The cocktail of drugs in her system allowed her to float along in some balmy liminal space for more than a few moments before fully waking up. Once she did, a sweet smile bloomed across her face at the sight of the woman collapsed, fast asleep, against her. Some wild, fluttering feeling burst in her chest. She watched her for a minute – watched the way Emily unconsciously clutched the paper-thin hospital blanket that was thrown across JJ and held onto her hand like she thought JJ might fly away, even in her sleep. Cataloged the way her dark lashes contrasted beautifully against the pale of her cheeks, the way her hair fell messily across her face and shielded her from view. 

JJ untangled their hands, reaching up to rake her fingers oh so gently through dark, silky hair. 

“Emily.” 

At the sound of her name, Emily began to blink herself awake, eyes bleary. 

JJ beamed at her, “Hey, you.” 

Emily automatically returned her smile, sitting up shyly, suddenly very aware of the rather compromisingly affectionate position she had fallen asleep into. 

“How do you feel?” 

The blonde waved off the question, “I’m fine, Em, really.” 

“Jennifer,” Emily appraised her skeptically. 

JJ shot her a look, “I am,” she insisted. The medication she had been given dulled the pain in her body down to a permeating soreness; it ached, but it was better than whatever she might have felt without it. She didn’t particularly want to think about the burn marks lashed permanently across her abdomen, nor did she want to think about any of her bruises, all of which reminded her of Hastings’ hands sliding threateningly down her stomach, her thighs, lingering by the zipper of her pants. 

“Are you sure? I saw the burns, Jayje, they…”

“Seriously,” JJ said firmly, “I feel okay. Stop worrying.” 

They both went quiet for a moment before Emily spoke again. 

“On the roof, I thought…” Emily trailed off. A raw, pained look flooded across her face. It was easy to read where Emily’s thoughts had turned: to a bloodied and broken JJ, instead of Hastings, lying lifeless against the frozen pavement. JJ thought about it too; thought about the way her heart had plummeted in the second before Emily caught her as she clawed helplessly at the roof. 

JJ squeezed her hand, “I know.” 

A swollen kind of silence filled the room again as Emily studied JJ, probably trying to gauge whether she was being truthful about her injuries; her features were all soft and generous, a look reserved exclusively for JJ. The younger woman was being honest. Under the shroud of however many medications were being fed through her IV drip, JJ felt okay. She knew she would feel worse later when her memories returned in a violent torrent and sent her crawling desperately towards some safe corner. 

After a long minute, Emily inhaled sharply. “You know, I never told you the truth of why I left after your wedding when I took the position with Interpol.” 

JJ tilted her head, looking at Emily in oblivious confusion. She had just assumed that it was about some inability to adjust to being back in DC (in the States, even) after Doyle and faking her death. Not to mention that the London position had been a promotion, which JJ was sure Emily had welcomed. 

Emily suddenly averted her gaze, focusing on their intertwined hands. “I was in love with you, still am. I think I have been since I first met you, it just took me a little while to figure it out. Once I had, you were with Will and I just,” she sighed – a limp, self-deprecating thing, “I just wanted you to be happy, even if not with me.” 

If Emily had looked up then, she might have seen the way JJ looked at her: surprised, affectionate, and a little sad. 

She continued, “After I came back from Paris, I couldn’t watch you love someone else, marry someone else. No matter how much I wanted you to be happy, I hated that it wasn’t me. I am sorry, truly, that I never told you. I know that it wasn’t fair to hide something like that from you, but I thought that I was protecting myself and protecting you.” 

Both women jumped at the sound of the door opening, Emily visibly blanching. JJ barely heard the greeting her husband offered as he stepped into the room. Emily looked up at her lamely then, eyes wide and full of apprehension, cheeks flushed a bright pink. JJ opened her mouth, closed it again; forming any coherent response seemed impossible at the moment. Her heart felt like it was being slowly crushed inside of her chest, pulse hammering violently in her ears. And then JJ saw Emily put her walls back up, almost violently, eyes going cold and distant. JJ could have shivered. Instead, she floundered, thoughts scattered and kept her lips slammed shut.

“I’ll give you both some time,” Emily said, voice thick with some unreadable emotion. She pulled her hand away and fled as quickly as she could before the other woman could argue. 

“Fuck,” JJ muttered, ignoring the weird look Will gave her. She tossed her head back against the pillow, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose as she squeezed her eyes shut. “Fuck.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 will be up soon!


	2. i'm not the moon, i'm not even a star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this took me a bit longer than expected, enjoy!

Emily was cowering in a corner, engaging a very animated Penelope Garcia in what seemed like an endless conversation in an attempt to distance herself from JJ. She had refused even acknowledge her presence at all so far, something so abnormal that it caused Hotch to shoot JJ a concerned look that plainly read: what the fuck. 

The bar that they had gathered in was mostly empty, so the team was free to drift about as they pleased. JJ was currently standing beside Rossi and Morgan, who were having some conversation she barely registered as she watched Emily. Will had positioned himself protectively behind her, but his presence only made JJ more agitated. She had hardly touched the drink in her hand, unsure of how she was supposed to celebrate when the one person she loved more than anyone was completely avoiding her. It was cold and unfamiliar. Each passing moment spent so far flung out of Emily’s orbit left JJ slightly more anxious than the last. 

She had first recognized her feelings for Emily in New York. Ironically enough, not long after the first time, Will proposed to her. JJ had panicked when she realized her team was unreachable and all of them separated. Though she presented herself as collected, features schooled into a perfectly unreadable mask, she felt practically nauseous from fear. Her concern, however, had been unreasonably fixated on Emily, more so than anyone else on the team or even Will. She didn’t get it at first, why she sounded so suddenly breathless when she called Emily’s name across the bullpen or why the thought of Emily in danger shot adrenaline all the way to her fingertips, sharp and tingling. 

JJ hadn’t genuinely understood her feelings until a few months later when Emily and Spencer had been held hostage by the cult in Colorado when she had to listen as Cyrus had beaten Emily, listen to the sickening sound of what JJ had later learned was a mirror shattering as Emily was thrown against it. The source of her irrationally intense fear – the sickness that swelled in her stomach when she saw Emily in pain – she finally realized, was an undeniable and forceful kind of love. And then it was like everything unscrambled itself and she could look back and see evidence of that love in nearly all of their interactions (including the inexplicable disappointment she had shoved aside when Emily told her to go for Will in Miami). She could finally place the sweet feeling that fluttered against her ribs whenever Emily brushed a comforting hand down her arm or across her shoulder blades. But she had been pregnant with Henry and if she was being honest with herself a little bit terrified by the intensity of her feelings toward Emily. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder – Will. His touch was just enough to ground her and pull her out of her Emily-induced daze. She swayed slightly where she stood. As sore and bone-deep tired as she was, the hurt she felt most was the loneliness that Emily had driven her into. She felt hollow. 

“JJ?” Derek was looking at her with something close to pity and it made her queasy. 

She plastered a limp smile on her face. “Sorry,” she breathed, “I just got a little spacey for a minute.” 

Derek nodded, “No one expects you to be okay right now. We get it.” 

“Yeah,” she said weakly, gaze drifting back towards Emily. Spencer had been pulled into their conversation, which at this point was mostly Penelope rambling and Emily staring into her glass as though it might suddenly swallow her whole. She knew Emily was embarrassed and maybe even regretful, avoiding JJ in an attempt to compartmentalize her feelings away again. She also knew that Emily had, at some point, successfully convinced herself that she would never return her affections (which JJ only encouraged when she married Will). They had both fallen too far and waited too long; their stubbornness and emotional immaturity had gotten in the way the first time and JJ didn’t think she could last another seven years pretending she and Emily were nothing more than friends. 

JJ watched as Emily downed the rest of her drink and paced her way over to the bar. 

“Excuse me,” she mumbled, shrugging out of Will’s grasp. She trailed Emily closely, all determination and frustration. When Emily registered her presence beside her, JJ heard her low, tired exhale. She kept her eyes cast downward, still refusing to confront the blonde directly, fingers nervously tracing the rim of her glass. Something harsh stung inside JJ’s chest. 

“I hallucinated you.” 

“Jennifer.” 

“While Askari was torturing me, I hallucinated you. Not my husband, Emily, you.” 

The dark-haired woman just blinked at her, any coherent response trapped in the back of her throat. 

“I need you to know,” JJ ran a shaky hand through her hair, “I feel the same way. I love you, I have for a while.”

“Jennifer…” 

“I never understood why you kept pushing me towards Will, but then I got pregnant, and staying with him was so easy. I was scared of how strongly I felt towards you, so I buried it and focused on him. Then after Doyle, when you came back, everything was so different and I was still adjusting to being back from Afghanistan...” She loosened a breath, “I’m just sick of pretending.” 

A defeated look flowered across Emily’s features at the confession. Somehow she looked sadder than JJ had anticipated, almost like she expected JJ to take it all back, to turn around and run right back into her husband’s arms. 

“Emily,” JJ spoke firmly, “I’m going to leave him.” 

Her eyes blew wide at that, “I would never ask you to do that.” 

“I know. This is my decision.” She paused, then shook her head, “I’m just lovesick, Emily. I want you so badly that it makes me feel insane sometimes. I tried. I tried to convince myself that I was over it, over you. But I kept failing. This pretending, my charade of a marriage, isn’t fair to any of us. Not you, or Will, or me. I keep hurting people and I want to be done.” She softened, “Being with him could never make me even half as happy as being with you would.” 

“Jayje.” 

“I love you, Emily.” JJ reached out a gentle hand to sweep across her cheek. At her touch, JJ watched as Emily’s walls dissolved. “I want to be with you.” 

Emily went quiet for a minute, uncharacteristically thrown. “What do we do now?” 

“I go talk to Will,” JJ said, lips twitching into a smile, “And you think about coming back home.” 

Flushed and still looking a bit stunned, Emily slowly nodded her agreement, “Okay.” 

JJ squeezed the other woman’s wrist softly before lifting herself smoothly from the barstool. 

*

“You know I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

Emily jerked her head upwards, startled by the woman who had drifted to her side. Alex, who Emily had only met the other day, was looking at her as though she was completely transparent. It would have been unsettling had Emily not been so sure that her raw emotions were still written across her face. 

“Everyone talks – they all love you and miss you very much,” she elaborated, “But there was always something inexplicably different about the way JJ talked about you. She sounds almost reverent sometimes and gets this far-away look whenever someone else brings you up. I had never met you, so your relationship was… enigmatic. Though, no one else seemed to fully understand it either. I started to get the sense that there was some deeper, unspoken layer to your relationship. I never brought it up, I figured it was something that was just yours and I never wanted to pry.” 

Emily eyed her carefully, half smiling, “I probably shouldn’t be surprised that you’re so perceptive.” 

Alex smirked playfully but the look in her eyes was sincere, “I’m just glad you seem to have worked things out.” She waved a hand vaguely between Emily and where JJ and Will stood in a far corner. 

“I never let myself even wonder if she returned my feelings,” Emily admitted, “I thought she was happy with him, and I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have the family she wanted even if not with me. Maybe it was stupid of me to not just tell her how I feel as soon as I realized it.” 

She shrugged, “You were scared, that seems normal.” 

“I wanted her probably from the very first moment I saw her. But I knew that she had been with him. I thought that if I confessed and gave her a choice, she would choose him anyway. That would have been,” Emily tapped the countertop absently, “that would have been more devastating than just staying friends.” 

“If it makes you feel any better,” Alex said, “I would have likely made the same choice. It seems reasonable that you would be too terrified to risk your friendship. From what I can tell even your platonic relationship has always been special.” 

Emily smiled, a self-deprecating thing, “Maybe, but I wasted years over my own insecurities.” 

“At least you have the future,” Alex reminded her gently, “JJ wants that with you.” 

*

Will had taken things better than JJ had expected, though she suspected that he always had some inkling as to her feelings towards Emily. She had anticipated a lot of anger and maybe a little bit of shock, but he had just gone silent and looked at her with sad, weary eyes. They would talk more tomorrow, he had said, to actually figure out what this meant for them, for Henry. 

She pressed a hand to her forehead, finally letting herself breathe. Everything would be fine. The restless apprehension that had clung to her chest dissipated and the dreadful feeling that had stretched across her body was turning into something nervous and bright. 

On her wedding night, JJ had promised herself she would stop imagining what it might feel like to kiss her. She swore she would stop pouring over impossibilities, because she hated that cruel jolt back to the real world, back to a life without Emily curled up beside her. And now, as she watched Emily bring her glass up to her lips, everything she had shoved away came tumbling back in a wild rush. The darker-haired woman was still standing at the bar, though now she was alone—Alex had retreated back towards the rest of the team upon seeing Will leave. 

“JJ?” Penelope was staring at her in visible confusion.

“Sorry,” JJ muttered, “I have to do something.” 

JJ took measured steps toward Emily, crossing the space, warmth licking across every inch of her skin. Affection surged all the way to her toes, filled her lungs. She loved Emily. She loved her and it was staggering. In one fluid movement, she pinned Emily in place against the counter, one hand reaching for her jaw and the other tangling in her hair. 

“Jennifer, what are you –” 

The last of Emily’s sentence was suffocated beneath JJ’s lips as she pressed against her, kissing her deeply. Any initial surprise Emily felt quickly turned to something like happiness and her eyes fluttered shut, one hand instinctively clutching onto the fabric of JJ’s top. Then, Emily scraped a hand at the nape of JJ’s neck, pulled her closer, and kissed her back. A rush of dizziness swept up from the base of her spine; JJ felt like she was melting. The force of her desire pricked behind her eyes and swelled heavily in her throat. It was overwhelming, kissing Emily; desperate and bruising and so loving. Being touched by Emily, being held and loved by her was intoxicating. She whimpered quietly against Emily's mouth. 

“JJ,” Emily gasped. She pulled just far enough out of the blonde’s reach to look at her properly, soft brown eyes searching. Emily lifted her fingers from where they had been held warmly at JJ’s waist up to ghost across her cheek. 

JJ met her gaze, eyes bright, breathless. “Sorry, I had to do that.” 

Wordlessly, Emily tugged her forward, a smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. She placed a gentle kiss against her mouth and another at her temple. Then, she pulled JJ flush against her, wrapping the younger woman in her arms as soundly as she could. JJ collapsed contentedly into her embrace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Come yell at me on Twitter @aiexbiakes and buy me a coffee if you're feeling nice because I really am a college student just trying their best: https://ko-fi.com/alexblakes <3

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on Twitter @aiexbiakes and buy me a coffee if you're feeling nice because I really am a college student just trying their best: https://ko-fi.com/alexblakes <3


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